PRISON — Sam Bankman-Fried's recent incarceration has limited the amount of scams available to the young entrepreneur.

Bankman-Fried arrived in prison smirking, causing many inmates to think he's delusional. Turns out he was just motivated.

SBF's celly noted, "As soon as Sam arrived behind bars, he said, 'Okay, I want to know what we can get, from who, what it costs, and what we can charge for it. Let's turn this block into mother-f%$ing Wall Street...' I was pretty stoked as it meant I could get more Skittles from the commissary.

The warden had this to say about SBF's arrival: "A lot of people in the yard were just impressed to be around someone who could steal that much money. We've seen a lot of handshakes and head nods. But there was a reversal when he decided to play lightning on the basketball court and shot his free-throw Wilt Chamberlain style (underhand). The guys don't go for that sort of effeminate shit."

Bankman-Fried couldn't be reached for comment via voice, but he did text back an eggplant emoji with a nervous face. Emoji forensic experts have determined that may mean he is in fear of dropping the soap.

Global markets have reacted to SBF's incarceration, and the probability of his company rebooting has increased in light of his absence. The newly appointed CEO of FTX had this to say about it: "With Sam behind bars, we're free to scam people in new ways, and that's exciting."

The former billionaire has figured out how to sell fake shanks for extra vegetables at lunch but has to give 2-for-1s to Tito, who wants his "cocktail, fruit."

Ethereum is down 32% on the news.

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