DALLAS — On April 8th the moon passed in front of the entirety of the sun for the first time since 2017. This rare phenomenon isn’t set to occur again until 2044. A doctoral researcher at the University of Austin Texas noted, “These events happen twice or three times in your life if you’re lucky. But, the inimitability of a total solar eclipse pales in comparison to the Luna eclipse.”

As the saying goes millionaires study the charts and billionaires study the stars. Gravity waves, atmospheric holes and solar coronas pale in comparison to the inimitability that was the Luna eclipse. This lesser-known astrologically economic event only occurs once a generation the likes of which haven’t been seen since the Madoff moon was spotted behind Jupiter in the early aughts.

Famed economist Darth Lupinsky framed Luna eclipse as, “the only astrological event that had the capacity to drain the wallets of everyone under the sky. ” Lupinsky noted you had to watch the Luna eclipse with special glasses or through a pinhole if you didn’t want to, “lose what you put in.”

Roaming somewhere in Montenegro former Terra/Luna CEO Do Kwon was spotted bragging in a bar to a stranger. Looking up at the solar event as it was televised internationally, Do downed a Diet Pepsi, slammed it on the bar, and stated, “This solar eclipse has nothing on my Luna eclipse. So what if represents the astrological union of celestial objects, it only makes half the earth dark for four minutes. The Luna eclipse drained 18 billion dollars in less than 24 hours. Try doing that, sun.” Kwon, a known Lunatic, reportedly only crossed borders on new moons.

Future Luna eclipses cannot be predicted as such but come with early indicators to watch out for such as forecasting tidal yields, multiplying like rabbits, and jukeboxes playing cover songs of Pink Floyd’s seminal album.

Stablecoins are down 99.999% on the event.

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