POUGHKEEPSIE — Researchers at a small college in upstate New York have uncovered an alarming truth about the upcoming Bitcoin Halving. While many take the halving as seriously as presidential elections - as they also occur every four years – these academics unearthed data that will definitely break your Bitcoin bank.

“It really wasn’t as complicated as it may seem on the surface,” noted Professor Clip Supp-Leigh, “after we were able to pool the data sets from previous halvings into our tailored AI equation-generator, which was programmed to make decisions based on Occam’s Razor, the math came back, and it was startling to say the least.”

An early version of the research conducted around this halving was published in The Economist. Mathematicians, Stock traders, and Degens alike are balking at the results. “This just isn’t possible. I mean it’s so clear it was right in front of us the whole time.,” quipped a day trader from the private equity firm ATH, Inc.

Professor Supp-Leigh added, “perhaps it was so obvious it wasn’t.”

Dismay abounds that it took a small group of eccentric academics in upstate New York to reveal the true nature of the Bitcoin halving. A profound truth that will echo off the chambers of all codes for decades to come. On April 20th, not only will stoned teenagers be canvasing the candy aisle of 7-11 for JuJu Beans and Watchyamacallits, but Bitcoin, will become half as valuable.

Please contact your financial advisor.

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